Bye.

The hardest thing about my goodbyes is that they don't hurt.

I LOVE. I LOVE. I LOVE.

You kissed my freckles and I cringed. 

I don't hate them anymore though. 

I don't hate my love handles or my knees or my shoulders. 

And that space between my ear and jaw?  

Your lips made me love my laugh and my obsession with anime. 

I told you too many times i'd lose myself. 

Worth it, we can love. you said. 

Not in the back seat kind of love or the back of the movie theater kind of love. 

The kind of love that listens to AM not FM. The kind that watercolors our life and warns me your bad and I promise I don't care. The kind that pretends to steel subs out of the back of cars. The kind that memorizes every word of Hayo Miazakies "Howels moving castle". We went swimming with our clothes on. And we put flowers in our hair. Searched for tree houses. Picnicked

 in the back of strangers yards. I've never laid close to you and I'm okay with that. the only thing I've touched of you is your lips and I promise i'm okay with that.  

But I'm losing myself and we both know "worth it" meant "I can't". 

Yes's no's and the I don't knows.

We only hang out in cars at night. You and me both look better in the dark. But I think it's the stars fault. Their brightness will always drown us out.

You asked if I was nervous for a mission still and I said no. 

I asked if I could roll the windows down and you said no so I roll them down. 

We both laugh at our cynical conversation "NO" is the only way I can gauge if we are still JUST friends.

Do you still love her?

 no. I'm going to tell her we should just be friends.

Why? 

Colorado.  

oh. 

*Silence

This will probably be the last time we see each other. 

Yes. 

Will you miss me?

No. 

I hate you. 

*silence 

You asked if the stuff we used to do messed me up and I said no but I wanted to say yes. I asked if you loved the stars as much as I do and you said no. 

You laid the seat back and said we are sleeping here. I pictured the stars  replaced by the sunrise. I've never watched a sunrise with someone before. I couldn't say no. 

yes. 

Friends hearts shouldn't speed up when you lay your head on their chest and this part is a bit hazy because the stars grew dull and I realized dull stars are better then the sunrise. You don't notice the stars, and I pretended not to notice your heart because we were supposed to stay still until the sun came up. I made my breathing deep so you'd think I was asleep but your heart and the silence was all too loud for me.

 I didn't want you to know I was awake for a moment like this because one o clock always comes back around and we always end up saying no. You jolted awake and put your arm around my waste. you jolted awake and held me tighter. I stayed still because i realized this is the last time we'd have a moment like this and if i moved you'd wake up and i wasn't sure if you would push me away or pull me close again. His chin touched my forehead my hand touched his just for a second. 

We should go our parents will be mad and it's almost 1. 

Can I roll the window up? 

No. 

95 miles an hour is a lot faster on a 45 mph road. It sounds like sipping through a straw he said. 

Chocolate milk?

naww. 

The stars are back to looking bright and my shoulder aches from where he pulled me closer and his heart beat is still ringing in my ear. 

The word Colorado fills the night air and the word mission fills my mind. 

Will you write me? 

No.

Will you marry me?

No. 

And my smile hides my sigh and his smirk hides his heart and i think that's the closest I've ever had to unselfish love.

But 1 AM is here and gone and now he's just an acquaintance. 

Chicken Blood

Yesterday I watched my dad kill off the last of our 8 chickens and I caught myself smiling as the blood Hit the cement.
Maybe i'm mentally unstable.
But red blood turns brown
And autism heart turned black
And I wonder if he smiled while shooting his brother 3 times through the back.
BUT RED BLOOD TURNS BROWN
The blood made me smile but the empty coop made me cry,
It reminded me of the time me and my sister tried to make the chickens fly.
Chickens don't fly...
Neither does she
Her brown hair turns blond and her bloody scratches burn
2 years in silence really took its turn.
But blue blood turns red and red blood gets thicker
red blood gets thicker
red blood gets thicker.
Autisms' brother is dead and I was dead to my sister.
Then she asked to cut my hair and I couldn't say no
Long hair isn't important because when little sisters laugh and cry there is nothing more beautiful.
Brown blood is dry and dry blood is gone.
I loved my sister and I know Autism loved his brother.
Autism still won't hug me, that's how I know Autism can't help himself and chickens don't fly and coops become empty and so was I.

I KILLED THE BIRDS

When I was seven me and my sister found a magpie in our backyard with a hurt wing. We gave it worms and turkey... I don't know why we gave it turkey but it liked it. We called him bobby the bird because there's an old Bewitched episode where a big bird comes out of a children story book because magic. The little girl Tabitha names him bobby the bird and we thought it was hilarious. I became pretty attached to the bird. I've always wanted to fly and bobby probably did too but we both couldn't. Then one day I woke up and he wasn't in the pine tree anymore. The night before, I fed him a lot of turkey so obviously this was my fault and bobby was dead. And my heart broke because bobby never got to fly and I didn't have anyone to sympathize with. A couple months later I found a nest in a tree branch above the river with four baby birds in it but I pushed it out of the tree into the river with a stick because I wanted to hold them. The water took them away too fast. And they never got to fly either. I cried for a week and I kept on seeing dead baby birds.

I was wishing I still had bobby because I haven't learned to fly yet and we could have learned together. But then high school ended and I remembered bobby and creative writing showed me he was still alive and that he wants me to learn to fly and to meet him at the San Francisco school of art and that as long as i'm not with him I have to fly the thunder alone but he's waiting for me. And I'm sorry bobby for thinking you were dead. And I'm sorry to the four birds that I killed but this is a tribute to you. I'll make it to art school. I promise.   

This ones on me now.

I'm sad to inform you that last weeks incident left my right wing damaged. I will be hiding out on foot until I show sufficient progress in my recovery. If I'm not in San Francisco by the thirtieth, I'm permanently grounded. I wish with all my heart I will be able to beat the thunder with you again. . If not, this ones on you.

All my love, Bobby The Bird.